Wednesday afternoon, the weather is all sunny and bright. Some one has decided to drop all his work, or rather was not assigned any for the day to give himself a break. When the clock struck 3, he and I am all ready to move out of town and landed ourselves in a traditional teahouse. It was a feeling all too strange, was it some 5, 6 years back since I was now, yes I mean now, at this tea house.  Nothing much has changed since the last visit, not even the signage. Perhaps they have suffered or benefited from a high or low turnover rate over the years as I don’t quite make up of the faces I have seen, perhaps the framed calligraphy has taken on a younger image, still, the ambience is very much the same and even the aroma filled with some savoury pastries and of course tea leaves. We ordered a packet of white tea known as the White Peony and  one or many cookies and tidbits. I would not go without the egg soaked in the tea leaves and other herbs and had it served, peeled by him. A quiet afternoon, saw some tourists soaking in the brand new experience with curiosity and amazement I once have had. Then some came all armed with a set of Chinese Chess and a not so pleasant duo with their suspicious looking box which we had failed to find out what it really was. In any case, we have been observing others around us and had ourselves been stared upon by the aforementioned duo as we attempted to be equally rude in our little language game. On this sunny and bright afternoon, we would be out in the sun perspiring or shivering a little while working in the air-conditioned office, yet we were very much blessed to be seated in the cosy attic room, with a window half-opened to allow some light to pour onto its dirt-free parquet floor. With the couple of cushions lying around, it was really tempting to just lie down and maybe take a nap if not for the fact that the tea is keeping us, well, at least me rather wide awake. Well, this is what being alive should be, a little sunshine after the rain, or a little breather after a day’s hard work. All thanks to the dude, the day was indeed well spent.  

Tomorrow is another day…

相隔六年之后，在六年前買第一套台灣版《愛情白皮書》的同一間唱片行里再次買了一套。當年的那一套劇集送給了同樣迷上此電視劇的人，几年來自己就只靠記憶去回憶。也因為劇集有些年齡，早已似絕版，因此一直找不到。沒想到時隔多年還能再見，心中有滿滿的感動，也不免緬怀那一段逝去的時光。其實不論日版或台版的的《愛情白皮書》我都超愛的，兩者的制作之用心更讓人難以做出二選一的抉擇。喜歡其故事梗概、喜歡人物的塑造、喜歡扣人心弦的台詞、配樂和歌曲、甚至場景、取景等等等…台版的制作和演員相較原版日劇總顯得生澀，但不笨拙，因為沒有刻意營造相同的感覺或模仿原版的概念，反而更能突出自己的优勢，醞釀出自己愛的滋味，譜寫了屬于華人的愛情白皮書…喚醒和道出每個人心中那一頁心醉与心痛。年少時的情感蘇醒，初涉心受牽引的心悸或許如今印象已有些模糊，然而方寸一如往昔的抽痛和溫暖在在見證自己不變的真心。我相信人的一生或許可以有好几段戀情，讓自己心痛的大概也就是那么一兩回，而若干年后仍愿意追溯或還會輕叩心門的真的真的就只有那么一次了。人离開，時空變遷，生命新的一頁里，心卻選擇站在原點。

서울을 아주 보고싶어서 가슴이 계속 많이 아파.

Can’t remember how I first got to know about the book, somehow it was highly recommended by someone and I ended up buying one to keep in case I would want to read it someday. And that someday became a day after many years have passed upon the purchase. Very much introduced as a tale about the angst of youth and how “real” language was used in the writing were very much noted. Frankly, don’t find it particularly wonderful perhaps because I have long passed my teenage days and gone are the days of defiance and an unsettled mind. Sure I would still be struggling with some emotional  issues and at times can’t help getting back those nightmares one gets when one was young, still, age has a lot to contribute to the much mellow self. I imagine how I would have reacted if I were to read the book say 5 years ago, or 10? Can’t agree more on the use of the term phonies to describe most of the characters one encounters in the book, I can still empathise with Holden, how he must have felt towards his dead brother Allie and how he dotes on the baby sister Phoebe. In fact, I got all fired up to want to finish the book when got to the part of his home coming, the sweet sibling love and then the shocking, highly controversial episode between him and his mentor equivalent Mr. Antolini. Kind of like the straight-forward writing stlye, doesn’t really mind the crude language as it can be quite timelessly true, real language used by the people back in the 50s when the book was written and now into the 21st century. And the time-line flows like a movie captured on a handheld camera, very much reminded one of the Before Sunrise and its sequel, all happening within days after the boy got expelled from the Pencey school. And how brilliant of it to end as it is and should, indeed, life goes on. And if I didn’t say much about the story, it’s to avoid being a spoiler of any kind.  Very much want to share this story with someone, but as advised by Holden, I would definitely hold my breath. Yes, Dont tell anybody anything, if you do, you start missing everybody.

朋友都知道我最近迷上了台灣偶像劇。其實說出來還真的有點不可思議，一度對所謂台灣偶像劇如此嗤之以鼻的自己竟然會“夜夜笙歌”，而且還是頗為不舍得一口气看完地，只是每晚允許自己看它一集而已。

從《敗犬女王》開始，喜歡那种真實生活的解剖中還硬生要留下迷信所謂的真愛無敵。八年距离的姐弟戀在朋友群中就真實存在了兩段結局，一個是六年的差距，另一段則是九年的距离，但兩者都是圓滿的結合結局。當然這不一定就是一輩子，而一輩子也未必就代表一切的美好。就像天上閃閃發亮的星光也要有黑幕的存在方可釋放光芒一樣，并不一定要求什么都是肉眼、世俗要求的那樣完美無缺。所以我可以相信，能相信，愿意相信年齡只是數字的人真的還是存在的。更重要的是，原來愛情在如此規划、規矩的城市里還是可以存活的。《敗》里的經典對白：真心是不能出賣的。其實真心也是不容揮霍的，一次、兩次以后，你會知道，就是再能愈合的傷口，在自己的心上原來還是會留下触目赫然的痕蹟，像失修的屋頂，每逢雨夜總要漏水，淹沒整個室內。

現在看的是《我在墾丁天气晴》。是啊，還滿有年齡的戲了，但又有什么關系嗎？有些不被發現的一生都沒机會接触，有些一下子就意興闌珊，所以時間也不是一切，對的時間，不早不遲才是吧。重點是，我迷上了海洋和陽光和沙灘。一段很長的時間，一直追逐著山的巍峨，以為佇立在屹立的山峰，自己和山都不會彼此背棄，心情仍浮浮沉沉，宛若多變的海浪。我想去墾丁，想租下沙灘民宿，什么都做，什么也都可以不做。看書我可以一口气看它一天一夜，就看了九把刀的《慢慢來，比較快》和《綠色的馬》。兩本都是因為書名才買的，我想我開始享受這樣的心情，慢慢來，應該會比較快。有些想念大學時代念的“享樂主義哲學”，雖然已經忘得快一干二淨了。好喜歡九把刀的想說就說，即使不雅，即使讓人覺得他只是語不惊人死不休。我愿意相信他不是為了一鳴惊人，縱使也只看了那兩本書。那樣寫出与干尸共處一室的經典概念，那個讓人想到二水鄉下“做無”（閩南語）的真誠得有些憨厚，然后還以為自己超帥的樣子真的很逗，這么樣的人就會擁有這樣的文字。

我不急著看完《我》，尤其當在第五集里方亮羽告訴青梅竹馬的阿佐那個《失落的一角》的故事后，我有點不舍得“翻閱”它即將出現的更多精彩片段。我還想多看几本好書，或許是村上春樹的文字，或許只是重溫几米的寂寞文字。我好想回到宇治喝一杯地道的抹茶，苦澀的甘甜似乎仍停留舌尖。我好想走一條街，選擇第三間店喝一碗南瓜粥，溫暖而溫柔的感覺始終歷歷在目。

Most probably taking a stroll down the familiar lanes in the Insadong areas, getting a sip or two at one of the tea houses, thinking and feeling an itch to peek at the Hue tea-cafeteria. The sun is setting soon, the warm glow of orange blending in the almost rainy aroma of summer. This fickle-mindedness of the summer weather reflects well how I am feeling at the moment. Seoul may be rather cooling when the sun sets, even though experiencing the tropical summer nights, or the perspiration would still be a comfort to me after the long bitter wintry nights. Of course I may be dreaming of a balding tree, the gingko forests changing its coats of color. 6.22 in the evening, might still be pacing up and down the streets with no clear destination in mind. Indeed there’s nothing more in the mind except for one splitting decision, to call or not to call…a magpie may appear miraculously in downtown Seoul, SJ is just making a turn into the main street where I am, would be, if in Seoul today. 

想對他說話卻沒有辦法。想回到某個開始卻連回頭的方向也找不到。相信要走得更遠，才能重新找回自己。沒有膽怯，雖然偶爾疲憊。念海，好想听一听潮汐的聲音，其實是因為和他約好的，說好了要一起到的海邊始終沒有走到。夏日的海邊也好，冬天的海邊也好，都滯留在某一年的心有靈犀，而生命沒有停格的畫面，它一直往前奔跑，時間早已奔向未知。沒有眼淚了，好久以前已經如此。原來要到達最遠距离是想回到最初的自己，即使將离他很遠。愛情或許真實存在，卻不屬于人間。長著羽翼，飛絮般的短暫，本來就注定著不可能一直存在。最南端。最北端？距离是永恒。…就這樣一個人看完電影，這么沒有太多悲傷地想著。窗外，有雨的味道… …

鱼在水里哭
我握着你的手说
鱼在水里哭
你笑着说别傻了
鱼并不会哭
它们是一种没有眼泪的动物
树在雨里哭
我抬头看着你说
树在雨里哭
你温柔看着我说
树并不会哭
它们是没有思想情感的植物

我突然的无助
没有眼泪的悲伤没有人清楚
只能呼吸着不被了解的孤独
一个人仅仅记得一切会结束
我矛盾着无助
很需要你能给我一点点保护
想对你说的话却总说不出
我变成了植物
没有人在哭
你摸着我的头说
没有人在哭
我在哭只是没有人在乎

海无边 天无际 无边无际无尽期

风凄迷 雨丝密 残泪滴

人遥远 心思念 思思念念只一个你

 不回忆 又回忆 空回忆

心上秋 何年何月渐渐染上眉头

 眉上秋 早已积成心上忧

心上秋 何时再与那年的你聚首

等是爱 盼是爱 望是爱

问年月 何年月 恨年月

Heard the familiar Over the Rainbow, the version that was last heard in Namsan Tower, Seoul this evening. Then the little tinkling pendant came out of the ring bought back in Myeondong, Seoul. Then finally, this  tune came singing from a nearby CD shop round the corner where coffee was served together with a pumpkin scone which may unmistakeably be one of the favourites in downtown Seoul. Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence. And winter just seeps through this summer as one turns the pages of memory to a Seoul that may not be returned to… …