Ramnants of the past

Been thinking much about nothing these days. It seems that a lot of energy and passion had been zapped up so much so that I could only carry on life like it is; eating, sleeping, breathing. Remember the movie “Sleepless in Seattle”? Then Tom Hank was asked the question on how he feels when his wife passed on and he said almost the same things… … like a part of one’s life has died and there is nothing or no one to bring it back to life, at least not now or in the near future. Was asked the question why is there no one else, and how was I supposed to answer the question? There is no one else precisely because there is no such person. And in any case, why do we always have to have the someone? Are we like deprived in any way? Are we inadequate or not self-sufficient? I remember back in school, we were told that we could be more confident than this and that we can always try to be more certain of ourselves. Guess it’s true to say that the school doesn’t really teach you enough for you to survive in the real world.

I went back to the stream, my Cheonggyecheon. There was hardly anyone there to my surprise and even more surprised was I when the whole place look so cold and the walk seemed so long that I got tired walking practically after less than five minutes. Then with SJ by my side I could have covered the whole route and was hoping that it could be even longer. So what is the implication? The fortunate part to the whole walk was not feeling the slightest tinge of sadness, I could still take loads of pictures in the dim lighting or in broad dalylight and then find my way back to my humble abode. Still, something is missing, no excitement whatsoever, no expected exhilaration at our reunion, me and the stream. Am just as stiff and unfeeling as the rocks submerging at the side of the stream. One thing for sure, I am at least able to “talk” again…he was my muse and I thought I would never be able to talk again. But all the “Talking” through pictures and videos were somehow deleted at the touch of a button, an action I have no idea how I just did it!!! Well, I must have done it, so it’s all gone again. Now being almost too fatalistic for my own good, I wonder if I will pluck up the same courage to visit the place and to take more pictures and video, I really don’t know.

Lost track

Caught a cold, again. Feeling tired, excruciating pain at times and totally helpless. Mind not thinking, head spinning and the heart counting the beat to not skip any…am bored, truly into deep sleep, as if falling into one and will never ever wake up to a world of breathing. Just a moment ago was in complete bliss, only to plunge into a sea of turmoil. Now what? Can’t seem to stay focused, can merely walk aimlessly, continue walking until one comes to a halt. Some things are simply by default, there is no need to rehearse or practise, there is no function to act otherwise. Even though hardships prevail and a better tomorrow is promised, somehow, the mind will wander and the eyes can see no other. Thus, pop the pills and take a long nap, no matter how wide awake one may appear is in fact in deep slumber.