왜또

서울을 아주 보고싶어서 가슴이 계속 많이 아파.

The Catcher In The Rye

Can’t remember how I first got to know about the book, somehow it was highly recommended by someone and I ended up buying one to keep in case I would want to read it someday. And that someday became a day after many years have passed upon the purchase. Very much introduced as a tale about the angst of youth and how “real” language was used in the writing were very much noted. Frankly, don’t find it particularly wonderful perhaps because I have long passed my teenage days and gone are the days of defiance and an unsettled mind. Sure I would still be struggling with some emotional  issues and at times can’t help getting back those nightmares one gets when one was young, still, age has a lot to contribute to the much mellow self. I imagine how I would have reacted if I were to read the book say 5 years ago, or 10? Can’t agree more on the use of the term phonies to describe most of the characters one encounters in the book, I can still empathise with Holden, how he must have felt towards his dead brother Allie and how he dotes on the baby sister Phoebe. In fact, I got all fired up to want to finish the book when got to the part of his home coming, the sweet sibling love and then the shocking, highly controversial episode between him and his mentor equivalent Mr. Antolini. Kind of like the straight-forward writing stlye, doesn’t really mind the crude language as it can be quite timelessly true, real language used by the people back in the 50s when the book was written and now into the 21st century. And the time-line flows like a movie captured on a handheld camera, very much reminded one of the Before Sunrise and its sequel, all happening within days after the boy got expelled from the Pencey school. And how brilliant of it to end as it is and should, indeed, life goes on. And if I didn’t say much about the story, it’s to avoid being a spoiler of any kind.  Very much want to share this story with someone, but as advised by Holden, I would definitely hold my breath. Yes, Dont tell anybody anything, if you do, you start missing everybody.

現在的心情

朋友都知道我最近迷上了台灣偶像劇。其實說出來還真的有點不可思議，一度對所謂台灣偶像劇如此嗤之以鼻的自己竟然會“夜夜笙歌”，而且還是頗為不舍得一口气看完地，只是每晚允許自己看它一集而已。

從《敗犬女王》開始，喜歡那种真實生活的解剖中還硬生要留下迷信所謂的真愛無敵。八年距离的姐弟戀在朋友群中就真實存在了兩段結局，一個是六年的差距，另一段則是九年的距离，但兩者都是圓滿的結合結局。當然這不一定就是一輩子，而一輩子也未必就代表一切的美好。就像天上閃閃發亮的星光也要有黑幕的存在方可釋放光芒一樣，并不一定要求什么都是肉眼、世俗要求的那樣完美無缺。所以我可以相信，能相信，愿意相信年齡只是數字的人真的還是存在的。更重要的是，原來愛情在如此規划、規矩的城市里還是可以存活的。《敗》里的經典對白：真心是不能出賣的。其實真心也是不容揮霍的，一次、兩次以后，你會知道，就是再能愈合的傷口，在自己的心上原來還是會留下触目赫然的痕蹟，像失修的屋頂，每逢雨夜總要漏水，淹沒整個室內。

現在看的是《我在墾丁天气晴》。是啊，還滿有年齡的戲了，但又有什么關系嗎？有些不被發現的一生都沒机會接触，有些一下子就意興闌珊，所以時間也不是一切，對的時間，不早不遲才是吧。重點是，我迷上了海洋和陽光和沙灘。一段很長的時間，一直追逐著山的巍峨，以為佇立在屹立的山峰，自己和山都不會彼此背棄，心情仍浮浮沉沉，宛若多變的海浪。我想去墾丁，想租下沙灘民宿，什么都做，什么也都可以不做。看書我可以一口气看它一天一夜，就看了九把刀的《慢慢來，比較快》和《綠色的馬》。兩本都是因為書名才買的，我想我開始享受這樣的心情，慢慢來，應該會比較快。有些想念大學時代念的“享樂主義哲學”，雖然已經忘得快一干二淨了。好喜歡九把刀的想說就說，即使不雅，即使讓人覺得他只是語不惊人死不休。我愿意相信他不是為了一鳴惊人，縱使也只看了那兩本書。那樣寫出与干尸共處一室的經典概念，那個讓人想到二水鄉下“做無”（閩南語）的真誠得有些憨厚，然后還以為自己超帥的樣子真的很逗，這么樣的人就會擁有這樣的文字。

我不急著看完《我》，尤其當在第五集里方亮羽告訴青梅竹馬的阿佐那個《失落的一角》的故事后，我有點不舍得“翻閱”它即將出現的更多精彩片段。我還想多看几本好書，或許是村上春樹的文字，或許只是重溫几米的寂寞文字。我好想回到宇治喝一杯地道的抹茶，苦澀的甘甜似乎仍停留舌尖。我好想走一條街，選擇第三間店喝一碗南瓜粥，溫暖而溫柔的感覺始終歷歷在目。

If in Seoul today

Most probably taking a stroll down the familiar lanes in the Insadong areas, getting a sip or two at one of the tea houses, thinking and feeling an itch to peek at the Hue tea-cafeteria. The sun is setting soon, the warm glow of orange blending in the almost rainy aroma of summer. This fickle-mindedness of the summer weather reflects well how I am feeling at the moment. Seoul may be rather cooling when the sun sets, even though experiencing the tropical summer nights, or the perspiration would still be a comfort to me after the long bitter wintry nights. Of course I may be dreaming of a balding tree, the gingko forests changing its coats of color. 6.22 in the evening, might still be pacing up and down the streets with no clear destination in mind. Indeed there’s nothing more in the mind except for one splitting decision, to call or not to call…a magpie may appear miraculously in downtown Seoul, SJ is just making a turn into the main street where I am, would be, if in Seoul today.