Searching

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Felt sad again upon the realization that I am just a speck of discarded imperfection. Yet this so called world is but a grain of dust in the whole wide universe. I couldn’t help but ask myself if the concept of self existence makes any sense to one or anyone, when every now and then I would doubt the validity of the true existence of anyone else whom I have not come into contact with. I may empathize and I may sympathize, still I feel no heartache as real as it would matter to me when it happens outside the inner circle I have drawn for my life.

Try walking down a busy street or just sit around to watch a train full of people being transported from one end to the other, how many times have you taken a curiosity for the one person who caught your attention? You looked at each other in the eyes and you sauntered past without registering anything whatsoever. You may or may not see each other again, and you are not able to remember the appearance or that one look of identification at that moment of eye contact, how true then is the person’s existence to you? If and I say “if”, someone you love or hold dearly in the heart has never crossed the path with yours, would you still feel the way you feel for him now? Times like these make me wonder if the self existence and self reflection are making me more self-centred rather than more aware of the surroundings and the people around me. And so what if I am? Does it matter to others if they too feel the same way as I do? For my existence may not matter to anyone too if I am not the centre of attraction in their lives. Times like these also make me feel lonely and lost, and it’s as if you are nobody and will never be somebody to anybody. It’s a pathetic thought and it makes you turn apathetic, then all of a sudden, you are able to accept the sufferings and all your losses, as they no longer hold any weight in your heart.

Search the heart and you will find, who and what will be the ones whom and which will and shall never be given up on. Yet if all existence are but a matter of relativity and their importance vary in different time and space, would it still be as hard to surrender and forgive and forget all in all?

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